Kill me now.

So I tested this AM, (12dpo)-- BFN. Nothing new..

Went in for my U/S and my doc was very very hopeful when she saw my Prog level. She said my lining was great and "Looks like it's ready for pregnancy". I did not have any ovarian cysts which is great, and my fibroid shouldn't be causing pain.. so she thinks it's probably my Endo being a butthole. She said we could try the Clomid once more and then maybe do a Lap after that. We'll see.
The way she acted and things that she said, kind of felt like she was saying she thinks I may be pg..and almost expected me to be. I told her about my BFN and she said it's too early. She kept saying "If you dont get your period, be sure to do a hpt..and call me" She was really hopeful.

While it's great to have her being optimistic for me, it kind of messed with my head. I had my BFN, I had my break down, I was on my way to moving on (well, not really..but you know what I mean)..and then she gave me hope again. I DONT WANT IT! I want to be pregnant and that's it! I don't want to have hope any more. I don't want to be sad anymore. I don't want to be let down anymore. Son of a bitch! I am tired of this. I wish I could just run away from all of this. I wish it was something I could hide from. I wish I could run away from myself and not have to fight this battle anymore. Why? I am so fucking frustrated and angry that I just want to give up.. I wish I could. I can't shut my brain off no matter how badly I want to or try to. I don't know what to do but keep rolling with it. I have no choice. I am being forced to stay on the train and I want to get off... RIGHT NOW.

I am so angry and tired.

I know, I know.. 12dpo is still early and it's still possible.. but really.. honestly, I don't feel like 12dpo is that early.
I am trying to move on to the next cycle. #19 here we come.