Today blew

I was scheduled to work in OB all this week. I knew it was going to be hard but I figured I'd be able to deal.

I walked in and just as I expected... ku bitches everywhere. I felt like an outsider. I didn't belong. It was bizarre.

I bit my lip and worked. I was in a crap mood and couldn't concentrate for shit. It didn't help that the chicks that work there are very clique-ish (mexican girls with the mexican girls and whities with the whities..their desks were even set up that way). I didn't talk. I assisted in a Colposcopy and biopsy and that was fine.

I went to the bathroom and low and behold AFF was here. Freaking awesome, I tell you. It just HAD to come today. Crap. Oh well, I knew it was coming since we had to tta.

Then, I had to room a very overly due, super-cute 26 y/o with her husband. The MA I was shadowing strapped her belly to the NST and the heartbeat boomed. She looked at her husband and smiled *that* smile. I wanted to die in a fire-but that wasn't quite the deal breaker.
We left the room and went about our work. Then it was time to go back in and as soon as the straps were removed from her bulging adorable belly, the baby moved and rolled around. She laughed a bit and looked at her husband again. I wanted to jump off of a building AND burn in a fire.

Only one of "us" can understand what that feels like. I couldn't run or hide. I couldn't quit my job and run home and cry, so I went to lunch. I was hoping that Ray would meet me for lunch but he no showed..
I sat at the picnic table alone and all I could think about was this chick and freakin' AF that showed up. How seriously cruel is this. WTF.

I went back to work after I composed myself. There wasn't anything to do so I thought I would walk around the office and look for something to do. I walked down the hall and ran into the site manager. She asked if I had lunch yet and I said yes. " Do you have anything for me to do?"
"No, sorry".

Then I said "I...I.....I have infertility and it's really hard for me to be here". I instantly started sobbing uncontrollably. She ran over to me and held me as I cried in her arms. This was the first time I had met this woman. How rediculous am I? I had tears rolling down my face, my mascara was running like crazy and snot started to pour from my nose. I just kept apologizing and said "I thought I would be able to handle this, but I just can't. It's so hard to see all of this when my heart is breaking and I just started my period today."
She actually started tearing up. Quite a bit, too. I couldn't believe it. This stranger is crying with me. She understands.

She asked me if I wanted to go home and I said that I didn't know. I told her that I was concerned that my boss would be dissapointed. She told me to go outside and catch my breath and then she would send me over to Urology instead.
She changed my schedule to Urology (a place I like to be) today, tomorrow and Wednesday, then on Thurs and Fri- Plastic Surgery.

So. I was able to get out of OB/GYN. Now I just hope my boss wont be pissed or let down (which I doubt).
I'm also going to have to get this shit under control. If I'm going to be a Nurse Midwife some day, I'm going to need to be able to stay professional and not bring my personal life to work. I just don't have that capacity right now though.

To the few readers I have:
I'm sorry that every time I post, it's something negative. This is just a really good way for me to get everything out.


xoxo