Here I Sit

all broken hearted..tried to shit but only farted...
heheh

But seriously-
I had an appt with my doctor last Wednesday to discuss my TTC issues. I explained to her that the cycle before, I only had a 9dLP- when my normal is 13d. The cycle that I was on at my appt, I had O'd on cd25- which is extremely late..even for me. I was 10dpo.

So she wanted me to start Clomid. I asked her if there was any way I could do a Lap instead of the Clomid and she said she would, but that she thought it would be best to give the Clomid a try. She mentioned several other things but as usual, at any doctor's appt.. only certain sentences stick out. We planned to try the Clomid for 3-4 cycles and see what it does. If it works- great.
If not, we'll then plan a Lap (and also SHG) and move on from there. She said that after that, she would refer me to a RE.

After the appt, I got back to work and started spotting. WTH!? On 10dpo!? Ugh. That day was particularly hard for me. I never expected to be on medication in order to get pg. I knew from 18 years old that I had Endo and that I *could* have troubles.. but I didn't ever think that it would REALLY take me this long. I think my mind knew that it would take a while, but my heart didn't. It was really hard to hear that she wanted to put me on Clomid. I am ashamed that I couldn't just be fertile myrtle and pop a kid out as soon as I got off bcp. I felt even more, that I was broken and worthless. I started thinking about how I would have to some day tell my kid that they are a Clomid baby. I was scared. What if it doesn't work!? If I fail on Clomid I will really lose it. This is real now. I really DO have a problem. I really am broken. What if some-how the Clomid screws me up even worse? I CAN'T be on team Clomid. This isn't fair. Why me? What did I ever do wrong? Am I going behind God's back and making myself get pregnant, when it's not my time? Maybe God doesn't want me to get pregnant right now and I'm taking it too far...What if..what if..

I sent DMacG a TM and told her what was going on. She said "I understand and I know it's hard but you have a lot of people arond who love and support you and we'll be here for you guys for whatever you need. Keep your eye on the prize and know it's helping you achieve what you want." This saved me. My irl bff saved me. Again.

I realized that it's not all bad that I have to be (am being) medicated. Dawn's right.. stop thinking so negatively! Think about how this *should* help you to get pregnant soon, and in just a few months you should finally see your BFP! ......WAIT... WHAT?! Seriously? I COULD see a BFP in a few months? OH. MY. GOD. My heart sunk. I could really be pg in a few months? Total excitement set in. I can finally start acting like I am going to get pregnant and be excited! I'm going to start changing some things starting now! I'm going to be a mommy-to-be soon! Wait.. what? Oh. crap. I really need to grow up now. It's time for Ray and I to grow up and start doing all the serious things grown-ups do. We need to get life insurance, start looking in to buying a house, lose weight, eat healthier, clean out our cars and house, make sure the yard is nicely groomed, stop being such slobs..
Then I stopped.
May- You are setting yourself up for failure..what if you don't get pg right away? Slow down, girl.. just let it ride...
As ashamed as I am to admit it, I really am excited. I am excited that I *should* be pg in the next few months. I know I shouldn't be.. but I am. I am also broken hearted for my many friends that are having a harder time. I wish I could take away their pain.. but I'll go over the rest of that later.

Ray and I went to the book store yesterday. I headed my big butt right over to the Pregnancy aisle. I picked out about 10 books that I wanted to review before we bought. Ray and I sat down at the table. He went through his stack of mystery novels, car magazines and a UFC mag that I picked out for him. I went through mine. "The Pregnancy Bible", "The Everything Father-To-Be Book", "The Idiot's Guide to Becoming a Father" and more week-by-week pregnancy books. Then I realized- maybe I shouldn't be buying these--I'm not pg yet. Maybe I should be buying books about IF and TTC issues? So I went over to the "Disease" aisle and pulled several books related to IF. I went back over to the table and read through several of them. I don't fit with these books either. I'm not a newbie, but I'm also not T-TTC or IF yet. I'm not researching IUI or IVF yet..plus, if I get one of these books, it might just bring on more stress and negativity. I need to be positive.
I finally made my choice. I got one for Ray and The Pregnancy Bible for me.

Here I sit on day 3 of Clomid. So far the side effects that I've had are really bad dreams, hot flashes, slight mood swings (I'm already quite the swinger so this isn't much of a change) and dizziness. Hopefully it wont get any worse than this. I can handle it for now.

I'm also having some issues with where I fit in. I have many friends who have been at this much longer, have more serious issues, etc. I feel like a whiner if I complain too much. It is in my head daily that things could be worse and to be thankful for what I have. I just find myself treading lightly. I feel like I have no room to complain about my #12, about my Clomid..(I could go on and on) when my friends are suffering much worse. If I could, I would take away all of their sadness. These girls have got me through when I was whining about #10 and I only hope that I can be there for them when they need a shoulder to cry on. They are my sisters and I wish them the best...with all that I am. I wish they didn't have to hurt any more.
I love you girls. I really do.