Big Fat Negative

Of course it is. Why would it be anything else? If you aren't sure what a BFN is- It's a negative pregnancy test. That's right...negative.

While I knew that the Clomid could take a while, I also knew that I ovulated, that we had perectly timed sex (for the 12th cycle in a row), my progesterone was high enough to sustain a pregnancy...etc etc..

I thought I wouldn't be upset. (After all, I have my new CBEFM I get to use and a few more months of Clomid before we move to the next plan, so there's still hope...right?) I figured I'd be cool with a BFN and look forward to peeing on my CBEFM. But no.

I am sad, upset.. but most of all, I'm pissed off. I am starting to move from bitter to just plain angry and mad as hell. Not just for myself, but all of the women that have to go through this. It's a cruel cruel joke that is more painful than anyone can imagine.

Part of me thinks "well, maybe this has just been God telling us that it's not time yet.." But then the rational part of me thinks about all the stupid hookers that get knocked up on accident, have abortions, or carry the baby and result to hating or mistreating it. I try to be strong in my faith and know that God has my back and he's looking out for us- and that there's something that I need to learn through this and all of this is for a reason.
But ultimately, because of the huge pregnancy toll in teens and drug users- it bashes my idea of God telling us that it's not our time- down. How could God want these people to have a child and not me? It can't be true. So, if God is not the deciding factor, what is? It's a mystery. A cruel mystery.

Onto lucky number 13.